My dreams taught me an interested thing in the last week - not sure why at this time exactly, but it's an important lesson nonetheless.

First, I had a dream that I was three months pregnant.  So I told people I was due November 1st.  But in the dream I didn't even take a millisecond to do the math.  But when I woke up, I wondered "why November 1st, what does that mean?" (Yes, I take my dreams seriously).

Then I realized November is six months from now, so it was literally my due date in the dream. But why did I know that without even thinking about it.  Usually I have to count the months, ya know?

Two days later I had a dream about a man named Clive.  When I woke up, I wondered about it cause I thought it was an odd name, I don't know of anyone named Clive, it's such a random name for me to have in my subconscious.  Curious, I googled 'Clive' and got 'Clive Owen' the actor.

I didn't/don't know of him (so I thought).  He was the exact guy in my dream, looked exactly the same.  No idea why I'd dream of some random actor I've never heard of.

But these two dreams made me realize somewhat how the subconscious mind works, which was both interesting, and worrying. 

My brain can do that math without "thinking" about it because it already knows it.  I, in my thinking process, have to "do the math" to come to the answer, but my subconscious already knows it because it's stored in there, as something I've already learned.  It doesn't need the time that I do to calculate, it had held onto that information.

I may not know of Clive Owen, but my subconscious mind does.  So many movies, tv shows, advertisements, tweets, updates, articles, etc. that we are not going to recall most of the little tidbits of information we come across: names, faces, dates, facts... if we remembered all of these things, we couldn't operate sanely on a daily basis, I think.  But if we've seen it, a part of the brain has retained the information - somewhere, probably, in parts of the brain that we have yet to consciously utilize.  It's in there, stored up.

They say that everyone in your dream are people you've seen in actual life.  Even just walking past them down the street.  The subconscious mind observes and takes in so much!

It is amazing, really, and so cool.  Our brains are so powerful, so much more than we can imagine, and we've only tapped into part of it so far.  What is going to come in the future?  How will it be when we evolve more and more and unlock other parts of the mind we have not yet had access to?  It's an exciting thought.

But it is worrisome.

This phenomenon makes it a piece of cake for us to pick up messages, unbeknownst to our conscious mind, that greatly effect who we are, what we do, what we believe, and what we value.  Talk to any ad person who's willing to tell you - this is a large part of how advertisements are created.  They spend a lot of money studying how our brains work in order to persuade us into thinking what they want us to think, thereby gaining loyal customers - usually starting when they're very young because that's when the mind is most susceptible.

Because of this phenomenon, every single person is powerless against picking up unwanted messages.  Unless of course you live outside of any society and aren't connected in any way to media/tv/internet.

Why is this such a big deal?  Because hypnotism is serious.  Because you go see hypnotists to help you quit smoking by trusting the hypnotist with your subconscious mind to influence you in a positive way.  That hypnotist could easily take advantage of the situation and give you any kind of suggestion they want.  You wouldn't know it, but your subconscious mind would, and that's good enough to effect you on all levels.

What if the hypnotist were to tell you, while under, that you are not beautiful unless you wear X-brand sunglasses?  It may not be a big deal, but imagine getting that message all the time: you would start to believe it. Imagine your kids getting messages of this kind everyday, as their thoughts, their minds, their personalities, and beliefs are forming.  What do you think that does to them?

I may not present a convincing argument, but I hope it makes you think.  It's not just sunglasses, digital cameras, and barbie dolls they're selling you.  It goes much further than just advertisements, but I think I'll not go further into it here.

A lot of who we think we are, is not even true.  Our identities are shaped by what we see, hear, and experience.  It's scary.  And I hope there comes a day when we won't be used so casually for the profit of others.  I know I'm a dreamer, but crazier things have happened.

I encourage you to do a bit of research on what I'm talking about - you can't really get away from the problem but I think it helps if you know it exists. That awareness does have some power over it.

Anyway, just wanted to share what my dreams have made me think about this past week.


<3 M

 I long to be creative, to make art, write, etc.  But I have other things I need to do first.  When I'm done those things, then I can relax and make art.  This thinking has wasted so much time and creative energy.  I ALWAYS have things to do.  Always.  To Do lists never end.  That's life.  I'm basically sentencing myself to a lifetime of waiting to do what my soul needs to do.  Why do I punish myself like that?

I've always been black and white like that.  Once I get everything done, then I can do this.  That kind of thinking usually results in a lot of stress, unhappiness, and being unproductive.  I always forget that it's progress, not perfection.

When I was in therapy, I learned a few important things on the subject.  I learned that people don't tend to continue doing anything unless they derive some sort of pleasure from it.  This is why it's important for people who are depressed to find things to do that they enjoy to help get them out of their rut, rather than try and try in vain to develop habits that, though would improve their lives, they derive no pleasure from.  The results have to be instant, or there's nothing to hold their interest long term.

And one good way to do this is to follow the 'Pleasure Before Mastery' rule.  This rule means that instead of doing something masterful (something effective, responsible, dutiful, that sort of thing) and then rewarding yourself with something pleasurable like relaxing or indulging in a hobby you enjoy, you should do it the other way around: you should do something pleasurable and then do something masterful. 

It might not make a lot of sense, but when you think about it, aren't you in a much better mood, perhaps more energetic and fulfilled after doing something for yourself? Something that feeds your soul, replenishes you and, in turn, makes you a more productive person.  If you get the "fun" out of the way, you're much more likely to get more things done than if you were to with-hold pleasurable activities till your to-do list is done.

I have tried this and can say it does work.  I know a lot of people would think it's silly to do things this way, but those people probably value doing rather than being, and that's fine for them.  For me, life is not about to-do lists but I certainly do a wonderful job of making it about that.

I dare you to try this.  I'm going to take my own advice and make sure I start my day with at least one pleasurable activity.  Then, I will be all responsible and stuff :-)  I do not want to die knowing I wasted my life on a perpetual to do list, waiting for it's completion to actually live.  I am tired of being in a state of preparation.  I've spent way too much of my life waiting to live it.

<3 M

Give me hunger,
O you gods that sit and give
The world its orders.
Give me hunger, pain and want,
Shut me out with shame and failure
From your doors of gold and fame,
Give me your shabbiest, weariest hunger!

But leave me a little love,
A voice to speak to me in the day end,
A hand to touch me in the dark room
Breaking the long loneliness.
In the dusk of day-shapes
Blurring the sunset,
One little wandering, western star
Thrust out from the changing shores of shadow.
Let me go to the window,
Watch there the day-shapes of dusk
And wait and know the coming
Of a little love.

I sing
because I must
being made
of singing dust,
and I grow
like twisted tree
having neither
symmetry
nor the structure
to avert
the falling axe,
the minor hurt;
yet of one thing
I am sure
that this
bears my signature:
that I knew love
when it came
and I called it
by its name.



<3 M

Right now I'm having a cigarette (that's right) and waiting for my bread dough to rise.


I quit over six months ago, very "successfully", but where I think I went wrong was quitting with Brian, and then expecting him to be just as "successful" at it as I was.

All was well for a long time, I didn't cheat at all, and then as soon as Brian started cheating, thoughts of having a smoke possessed my mind.  My addict jumped at the chance to rationalize smoking: "I just wanna see if I can have just one" and "Why should he get to smoke and not me?" and that kind of nonsense. I got so mad at him for smoking - I felt tortured by it and felt that I couldn't be a successful non-smoker if he was going to be smoking.

While I do feel Brian's smoking makes it much harder for me to prevail, I also realize that I just wasn't prepared for it to happen - I was totally dedicated to being a non-smoker and just assumed that's the way it was gonna be... for both of us.  But if I hadn't expected him to do what I wanted him to, I would have been in a better position to recognize that I needed to super-enforce my skills.

But I slowly let myself slip.  I've been smoking on and off, here and there, quitting and restarting, and all of the usual ever since my mum went into the hospital.  That's all I needed as an excuse, and who would deny me that during such a hard time?  Clever fucking addict.

Things were definitely different this time, when I quit.  I felt so much more in control of whether or not I would smoke than I ever have before and I really thought this was gonna be the one that stuck.  And what makes it worse, too, is that I've started really embracing a healthier lifestyle, really giving a shit about what I put in my body, and I know that cigarettes are way way up there on the list of 'oh-my-god-no's.'

The only thing I can do is make another plan, this time including the fact that my boyfriend may be a smoker, while I am not.  I (not so secretly) really wish he would come with me on the journey and really succeed so that we can both be healthy together.  But of that I have no control.



<3 M

Is in the hospital.  She's been there since Tuesday afternoon, almost a week now, and it is still undetermined when she will be coming home.

Without going into details, it was very bad and I almost lost her (again).  But she is incredibly resilient (eerily so - if only you knew how many times she almost or "should have" died) and is doing relatively good.

They're keeping her until a few things clear up (kidney infection, pneumonia, etc.) and to run more tests until they know everything that's going on.  We have no idea how long it will be.

I've been at the hospital every day with her and will continue to do so until she comes home.

I'm just glad she is going to be okay.


<3 M

Today's entry is brought to you by the number thirty.

Yesterday was my thirtieth birthday.  I was woken up by Brian and Drew singing 'happy birthday,' bringing me the breakfast in bed they made me.  I've never had anyone give me breakfast in bed before - I felt very special and very loved.

He even made the eggs inside slices of bell pepper from something we found on Pinterest (thanks, Sunny, for getting us (me) addicted to that site :-p ).


Of course it takes me some time to get out of dreamland and become coherent so they were disappointed when I requested we do presents after I was done drinking my tea... you'd think I committed a crime or something lol.

They got me a pretty smelling candle with chocolates and candies, and an adjustable stand thingy to make it easier for me to read in bed since even holding up a book can be too hard sometimes.

I luff them so much.

That night, Jodie and Mike came over and we all went to a party where I got birthday beats.  They got me presents too!  A massage bar that made Jodie squirmy cause it was for "erotic" purposes; a bath bomb intended to unleash my desires, which also made her squirmy; a cool book mark, and special incense.  I don't know if I ever mentioned it, but Jodie gets squirmy when it comes to anything of the erotic nature - it's quite funny and cute.

I got tons of birthday wishes too, on my facebook, which made me very happy cause I loves my attention.

I've always loved my own birthday and have always reminded people of its coming well in advance.  I count down, I talk about it, and when it comes, I get giddy like a child and eat up all the attention.   But this year felt a little different: for one thing, my health has been crappy lately so I wasn't announcing my birthday from the rooftops like usual.  I was planning on planning something special for this year's birthday because I think thirty is a significant milestone of life - especially for me for many reasons, but again, the health took priority.  And I didn't seem to have the same excitement that I usually have on my birthday.  In fact most of the day/night didn't feel like my birthday, I kept reminding myself it was.

I don't know if this is because I wasn't well leading up to it so didn't do my usual stuff or make plans or because I'm *gulp* just getting old, or both, or neither.  I hope it's not the 'old' thing, we shall see I guess.

Anyway, I've been living in survival mode for a long, long time.  My thirties are going to be when I 'start' my life, and I'm excited about that.  I have goals for myself, and goals with Brian, and I'm looking forward to all of it :-)

I spent another long period not writing in my blog, which I hate, but it happens.  I wish I could be as regular as Sunny is with blogging.  I don't really know why I can't - I have a bit of a consistency problem perhaps.

Brian and Drew should be back anytime now from the children's museum so I'm gonna go get dressed.

Lots and lots of love,

M

Soon, too. I haven't moved in at least five years, which is the longest I've gotten to stay put in my entire adult life. I hate moving constantly, I am a home-body and like the stability of staying in one place and making it into a nice home to live. So I'm glad I haven't moved, or had to move especially, in a long time. I know I'm moving now, but the reason this doesn't suck is because it is a place in the same building I'm already in and my living arrangements are vastly improving, not the other way around.

But since it's been a while, I am feeling pretty overwhelmed with the actual process of moving, especially because a.)I don't have a lot of time to pack and move, and b.)I'm feeling like crap these days and in the state of mind that has trouble handling much stress as it is. Cannot. process. this. Seems simple, yet I'm having issues dealing. Ugh, I'm tired.

I should be getting excited and planning out how I'm gonna set my new place up and all that good stuff - that is typical me, but I guess I've really gotten used to being here and am having some anxiety about having to set up a whole new home. Where will I put shit? lol I know it's fucked up.

The difference between where I am now and where I will be:

This Place is a bachelor one bedroom. I'm not even sure what that means, but it translates into a very small apartment with a small bedroom. Totally grateful to have it.

The New Place is a normal one bedroom. It is, to me, quite huge, and has one ginormous bedroom. When I say 'ginormous bedroom' I am highly understating: this bedroom is the size of two large rooms. It's fucking huge. It's way too big to use as just a bedroom. To me, a bedroom doesn't need to be big at all because it is for sleeping and doing sexy things and that's pretty much it, so you really just need a bed and night- table and maybe a little dresser or something.

This Place has a small bathroom with a shower, but not tub.

The New Place has a really big bathroom with a tub. This is one of the biggest reasons I like this place - the tub. I love baths so much, and often need them for pain reasons. I've borrowed Jodie's tub and my mum's tub and Brian's tub, but it's still not the same as having your own tub to use any time, day or night, in lovely silence, with all your bath salts and what-nots... ahhhhh.

This Place has a tiny, oddly shaped living room. It is so small and weirdly arranged that I've never been able to make it work for much. For about two years now, I've had my bed in there and it's pretty much all it's good for. So I don't have a living room. It sucks cause there's no where for company to sit or anything :-/ So I don't really have anyone over.

The New Place has a huge living room. And it's arranged well too. So that's awesomeness. But since I have no living room furniture, I'm not sure what I will do in there. It would be nice to be able to have people over. Space = nice.

This Place has a coat closet and a linen closet sized closet with shelves in it. So I've kept my clothing in the coat closet and I use the small closet for art supplies and paper stuff.

The New Place has a coat closet, a really big storage closet, and a normal bedroom closet. I'm really going up in the world! :-p

This Place has a pretty good sized kitchen.

The New Place has a small, galley style kitchen. I kinda like the new kitchen better because it's out of the way (hard to explain), you can't see the kitchen from anywhere in the apartment unless you go into it, it's kinda cute, and so much less space to create messiness :-p

So this place is sweet and I'm pretty stoked about it being my new home. Just not sure what to do with it. I have a few basic 'areas' that I need in my home so I have to figure out where these areas will be situated: I need a bedroom, a living room, an office/studio, and hopefully a zen-type space. I will probably put a curtain or something up in the huge bedroom to separate it into two areas, one will be the bedroom and the other will probably be the office/studio, though I'm not sure yet.

I kinda want to set the work area up in the living room but I also know that work can = mess and would rather not have that mess in the middle of the living room. If I had it in the bedroom I could easily close the door on and make it 'disappear' lol. But I think it would be kind of weird to have a peaceful, relaxing bedroom and a busy, cluttered work space so close to each other. Will a curtain be enough to keep the spaces sufficiently separate? I'll know better once I actually get in there I guess.

I'm excited and overwhelmed... eeep! Just a few more weeks! Halp!


<3 M

I wish the doctors would do tons of tests on me so I could just know, once and for all, what the fuck is all wrong with me.

I have an appointment on the 23rd with an allergy specialist, so I guess he's gonna do a bunch of random tests to see what I might be allergic to. I don't have high hopes for that though, not sure why. This is why I wanna do an elimination diet in the new year so I can actually pinpoint what foods are having what effect on me. I don't see any other way of figuring it out.

Then there's the whole iron thing. I'm supposed to be taking three pills a day, each one at different times, and that's where I'm getting fucked up - it took me years to remember to take my meds everyday, and that was just once a day... and right now my schedule is completely fucked up so I'm confused as to when I should be taking them. I only just got up an hour ago, I'm not even fully awake yet, I haven't taken any pills yet. So I don't know when I'm supposed to be taking iron pill 2 and then iron pill 3. I really hate when things are like this.

I don't have any energy :-(


<3 M